~ Beautiful Life ~

How I wish

2007-11-28T22:11:00.000+08:00

By shutting up my feelings from you, I thought I could shut myself from the harm you give.

But once again, the reality hits me.

The pain comes from within. And it will go on till the end of time.

With you in my blood, I have no choice but to accept.

All I could do is to pray that one day all these could end with you out of my life.

How I wish

Blabberings~

2007-08-06T12:43:00.000+08:00

Heyo!~

Been a while since the last update. Many things had happen.

For one change, at least, is that I'm currently EMPLOYED once again.

I love my job, for now.

Get to meet new people everyday, meet with different challenges.
I love the adrenaline pumping when I'm nearing to close a deal.
And also hate the part when I don't get any viewings for a week.

But it's all about luck & numbers.

Exciting time for career wise.

However, on a personal level, things aren't looking too rosy.

Maybe it's me.

Maybe it's him.

Maybe it's Pedro.

Maybe... Maybe...

Gotta work it out. For it meant a great deal to many.

Will continue update... Cos it seems like I need a venting arena.

Meanwhile, Take care my friends...

I'm fine...

Updates!!!

2007-03-19T17:11:00.000+08:00

Hellooo!!!

Been so long! So many had happen. So many people came and go during these past few months. So just a quick update

1) Graduated from NUS...

2) Went to Bali and HK for my "Graduation trip"...

3) Started working with AMEX...

4) Got my beloved Golden Retriever...
Little PEDRO

5) KS came back...

6) Went Bangkok to celebrate Baby's Bday!

7) Got my Driving License...

8) Ended my contract with AMEX...

9) Ah ee came back for CNY and left...

10) Me unemployed for almost 2 months...

Yup... That's about it. A year worth of updates.
Of course there were more to it. But let's be foward thinking... Shall we?

Oh just to let you know, I did this post while in a lecture in NUS. And yes, I've graduated from the "Prestigious NUS". That's just one of the stuffs you do when you are unemployed and got a studying boyfriend. Sigh...

I hate my life at this moment.

:D

2006-03-12T14:55:00.000+08:00

p.s. wrote these in March.

Heehee...

Been really busy these days... Like what Tina said, "it's March la". Busy time of the semester AGAIN... Thank god it's my last. Yeah!

Anyway, just wana do a meaningless update.

Have been blog-surfing quite alot lately and was feeling a little jealous when some blogs have many comments or active tag-board. Unlike my boring little blog. Since my counter has broke down, I don't even know how many of you are actually reading my blog!
Thus, the birth of my previous posts. Ha! Just wana test and see how many of you are reading this boring blog...

And to my disappointment...

ONLY 2 comments from YX and Von... SOBssss..

Where're all my readers?!

Is it such a lousy, boring blog?!

SOBsss...

Never mind! I shall not be bothered by these mudane numbers! It is not going to stop me from blogging, showing people what a "fabulou-so" life I have!!

Wahahaha!~

Ok, enough of nonsense. Back to serious blogging.

Last friday, for the first time in my life. I went for my virgin trip to Dasio at IMM

For Missy Phua Chu Kang... The new improved Boots!!

And the Blue one for my metrosexual baobei!!!

Hands up!! U are caught!!!

When I'm 64

Hahaha... It's so fun shopping at Dasio!!! Everything is just $2!!! And they sell all kinds of stuffs!! My god! From fish nets to porcelain bowls to cosmetics to even spectacles!! And for your info, my mom loves the biscuits from Dasio...

Note: It's a very nice place to bring your date there yah!

Angwee! >:(

2006-02-13T01:47:00.000+08:00

No comments, No posts! >:(

Happy Holidayz...

2005-12-24T02:19:00.000+08:00

Warning: It's going to be a VERY long post with LOTS of pictures included!

Hohoho!~

Merry X'mas and a Happy New Year!!

I'm bbbackkk!! :D

So sorry, been having a month-long hiatus from blogging... Been procrastinating to blog la... And the day I finally choose to sit down and blog is already Christmas eve!!

Okay, first thing first, gotta update to u guys about my life ever since my boring days of studying especially in our very own Changi Airport!!

Right after my bloody exams on the 1st Dec, I started my slacking days...
Mahjong sessions;
Late-night drinking sessions;
Going out shopping especially to JB!!

Then after a few days of such life, I flew off to Taipei with my cousins and have a good fattening-up trip there...

This is us, still in Singapore's Changi Airport... However, u can't help to notice that even before boarding the plane we were already holding shopping bags...

Well, that's because we are those clever chaps who shop inside the airport to avoid the 5% GST... Ha! And guess what I got for myself...

Ta-Dah!!!
The Canon Ixus 55!!

It has such a HUGE screen it makes a Liliputian look huge!!
Okay la, maybe I have exaggerate a little too much... But u guys know what I mean la! Ha!

So, with my new baby, off to Taipei we went!! :D

By the time we arrived Taipei was about 5-6pm... But when we looked out the bus while on our way to the hotel, it looked like it was 8pm in Singapore!!!

That's because in winter, it has a shorter day-time.
Though it's a general fact, we still acted like some "sua-ku" tropical islanders who goes gugu-gaga about the early nightsky! :D

When we stepped out of our bus, a 9 degree celcius winter night welcomed us! The wind were SO strong and cold that all of us were jumping around! Ha! We were told that the week we were in Taipei was forecast to be the coldest week of all!

Yah right, thanks man!
And all we brought were just a few t-shirts and one jacket! We all thought the weather was going to be about 18-20 degree celcius! Oh gosh!!

So in order to curb our coldness and hunger, the very first meal we had in Taipei is the infamous "Chongqing" Steamboat...

Look at the food!!!!!!!

Oh my God!! I'm fainting already!! And the "Ma-La" soup base is really SHIOK for that kind of weather... However, I cannot imagine eating the same thing in Singapore with the heat...

It was so good that we went for second steamboat session on our third night... And this second shop was better than the first because it was eat-all-you-can buffet style!! Oh gosh, I'm in heaven!

And there's this particular food the Taiwanese have in their steamboat, which is called "gong-wan" which is actually a meat-ball... But what's so special about this meat ball is that firstly, it was bigger than the normal ones we ate in Singapore...

But most importantly about it is that it is DAMN bouncy!! For those who watched Stephen Chow's "shi shen" will know what a "pissing-ball" is...

And I tell you!! THIS IS IT!!!

The juice in the meatball just burst into your mouth when you bite it... Oh gosh!! My saliva is already dripping just by thinking back...
Sigh...
Too bad I was so engross in enjoying it that I forgot to take pictures of it for you guys! Ha.. Sorry!

The following days in Taipei were spent shopping and eating...

But shopping weren't that good since everywhere was selling winter stuffs... All I enjoyed most was eating...

We were so good at it that there's one of the days, we actually had around 5 meals straight with less than half an hour in between each meal... :D

By the time we were at the 3rd restaurant, my cousins were actually asking if we were eating AGAIN! Ha... But nothing beats eating good food man!

So the rest of the trips will be seen from the photos I've uploaded...

P.S.: U might notice that I wore the same jacket throughout the whole trip except for the last picture... Well, that's because I only brought that jacket... But for your info, I DID change clothes everyday k... It's just that it's under the jacket...
So please DO NOT get the wrong idea... Thanks! :D

Us happily posing at some memorial place, doing what a proper tourist should do

My giantic brother and I at Taipei 101 (Look how tall he is!!)

Us at the official "Tang Teahouse" enjoying our desserts!

My cousin posing with Jay Chou's renowned pink Merc outside his retail shop

GIANT Tako-balls!! Ooo...

Bro with the FUGLY-looking squid ink sausage... Doesn't the look itself just turns you off... Wonder what was these Taiwanese thinking... HAHA!!

The well-known Shilin Night Market's XXX-Large Fried Chicken!
Thus, accompanied with an X-rated facial expression! :D

On the streets of Ximen-ding...

Us eating AGAIN!

On a ferris-wheel... The cousin sitting beside my bro was so scared that she almost broke into tears... Ha!!

We were one of the few crazy ones who had ice desserts in the open under such bloody weather!! But look at these man! Tell me who can resist such temptations...

And finally home sweet home after 6 days of eating, shopping and laughing!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

So here I am, finally back to Singapore where I can enjoy wearing my short skirt without worrying the weather...

And with my new cam... I start my slacking days again...
Continuing with the activities I mentioned above plus a few other activities such as meeting up with friends whom I've not met since my last hols and of course my usual activity...
Clubbing!!

Went to check out my old hunt, Zouk's Mambo night with Guo & Lili, and had a very good time there!!

And for those who still doesn't know about it... Ministry Of Sound had just landed in this hot tropical island!!!

Went to check it out at its opening weekend... But the queue was so bloody long! However, we still manage to get in to check out the whole place out...

IT IS SO HUGE!!!!

There's So many dancefloors and rooms of a different themes...
And my personal favourite room...

PURE

It's a room that is SO white that it makes you feel like you are in heaven! Filled with beautiful crystal chandeliers, Huge beanbags and most importantly...

Round cushioned "cubicle" for you to drink, or even danced in it!!
Imagine clubbing with your feet on cushion...

Isn't it heaven!!

-------------------------------------------------------------

Have been a very long post... Thus, shall finish it off with more pictures and less words...

Enjoy!!

Enjoying lunch at IKEA's cafe... Love their meatballs!

It's the Festive seasons again!! Cheers!~

Celebrating Daddy's 50th Birthday in a Korean restaurant...
My dad caught the K-fever as well... sigh...

Finally met up with Guo and Wen...
Really blessed to have such good angels in my life...
Love you gals...

Last but not least, the dearest to my heart
It's a blessing to love and be loved by you

Urrgh...

2005-11-12T23:02:00.000+08:00

I'm bored from all the studying... Thus I blog...

Using the free internet courtesy from the Pacific Coffee Company in Changi Airport Terminal 2... Sigh...

It's that time of the semester and it sucks to the core... Urrgh...

I think I'm going to screw this time up big time... Really badly... Sigh... Don't know what the %^&*#@ the text is talking about... And to make matter worse, I'm feeling bloody slack this semester... Though I slack every sem but on previous sems I know what is going on during the lectures... Not this time!! Half the time either I'm doodle-ing on my lecture notes or I just skip the lectures altogether...

Sigh...

Tell me what to do with you...

Anyway, sorry for the long absence... Been REAL busy... Bloody exams... Gotta go back now... Will have more of such boring posts, so be ready for it... Ha!

Take care people...
Congrats to those who had finished with their exams... Enjoy while it last...
As for those who's still going through this torturous period, Good luck... I'll be going through the same thingy with you guys... Take good care k...

Ciaozzz!

Happy Belated Birthday to my blog...

2005-10-22T15:35:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday to you,

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday to MY BLOG!!

Happy Birthday to you!

It's been more than a year since I first started this blog!!!

Whao! How time flies... And I actually forgot about it!! Sobs... Keep reminding myself to remember to blog on the exact date (13th Oct)... But due to my busy schedule I actually forgot!!! arrgh... My Dory-memory...

Anyway, it's been a year... An eventful year... Many things have changed, for better and for worst... Guess I myself have changed too... But for better or for worst, that's for those around me to comment...

I love my blog... It's some place where I can throw my deepest thoughts into it... I also like the fact that not many people know about it... Thus, I can scream and shout all I want without worrying that I'm painting an ugly picture to my life...

Blogging to me is a emotional theraphy... It helps me to throw all the rubbish in my life into here and get the balance back... Thus, I don't blog everyday... Blog when it's neccessary for my emotional needs...

When blogging becomes an obligation, it defeats its purpose as a blog... A blog is like a diary, a place where you are free to pour out your thoughts and emotions... Not a place where you report the mudane details of your everyday life...

I blog-surf a lot... It's like a everyday habit... However, while I was surfing around some of the "popular" blogs, I realise that most people blogged about only the good stuffs in their life... It seems like they are painting a beautiful picture of their life to others... When a blog gets to such a state, I think it's pathetic... Somehow or another, it seems that you have lost the rights to your diary...

Thus, my blog's birthday wish would be that it will try not to lose its own flavour and continue to be a blog where its owner can blog whatever she wishes...
Be it good or bad...

So Happy Birthday Bloggie,

Will try to update you as much as I could...

Love,
Me

P-I-N-K hamsters!

2005-09-30T16:47:00.000+08:00

Ok, I'm back!

Sorry for being absence for quite a while... Just finished with my Hell week... Phew... I've SURVIVED!! :D

The last one and a half weeks had been hell! Torturous! Urrgh... But thank god it's over... Though there's still assignments in the following weeks to come.. But at least they are not as packed as this past freaking week... sigh... What to do, I'm a full-time undergrad...

And talking about full-time... In case, for those out there who don't know me... I'm actually a part-time tuition teacher! :D Teaching "adorable" primary school kids...

In the past few months I've been a full-time tuition teacher and a part-time undergrad... hiahz... What to do, I'm such a good teacher... That's why... Ha...

But just last week, I just ended one of my tuitions... Teaching a two boys and a girl in a Korean family...

Taught the older brother, whose name is JungMin, Math... This boy is a genius, I tell you... Because they just arrived in S'pore, that's why JungMin who is 12 years old is doing primary 3 in his school... But I tell you, this boy's math is even better than any normal P6 kid in S'pore! That's why teaching him Math is considered such an easy job...

And for your info, JM is quite plump and has this little small slit eyes... Very KOREAN!! :D Though he is quite stubborn at times, I still enjoy teaching him...

And next would be his sister and a friend of theirs, Syu Hun and Sang Won... They are both 10 years old but doing P2... Though their Math is not as fabulous as JM, but they are just as cute... Ha!

They are here with JM's mom to study in S'pore. And I tell you, they are SO hardworking! They have around 7 tuition teachers for 4 kids... Some teaching Chinese, some Math and as for their English, they have different teacher teaching different aspect of it, example, a Grammer teacher, a Vocabulary teacher!

They don't go out during weekends... Weekends are normally filled up by tuitions... But these kids are not complaining! Whao! I'm impressed...

And guess what these little "angels" gave me during one of the tuitions?

Hamsters!
Two P-I-N-K ones!! (They are pink because JM was bored one day, therefore he took a few of them out and coloured them with red marker! Their mom washed the hamsters up, that's why they became PINK!) :D

Then you might ask, since you love them so much why are you giving them up?

Well, I had no choice, dearies... Afterall, giving tuitions is just a sideline... It shouldn't be eating up my studying time... So after much considerations, I quit... Which is very difficult for me because I really love them... And their quirky mom... Ha!

Their mom was quite sad when I quit... Felt terrible... If I could slot them into my tight timetable, I will... But... Sigh...

Thus, here I am, dedicating this super long blog to this this adorable, quirky Korean family, whom made my tuition days fun and enjoyable...

To Jung Min, Syu Hun and Sang Won,

All the best for your studies! I know you guys can do it...

Really miss you guys and especially your mom... Really glad to be able to teach you all... Though a short period of time, but I enjoyed it thoroughly! Hope you guys did too!

So take care and please seperate the hamsters from each other! To have 20 odd of them is a little too much, you know... Ha!

Miss you guys lots! Muackzzz

So now that I have more free time... It's time that I dedicate it to my studies, try to pull up my "*&^%$#@ " CAP score... sigh...

Cheers, people!

Undercurrents...

2005-09-10T22:16:00.000+08:00

Everything seems normal...

Everything seems fine...

Everything seems like before...

Or is it?

Undercurrents are still flowing and I'm still fighting that devil in me... Will continue with my battle...

But as for now, really thank all my friends who had raised their concerns for me... Don't worry, I'm fine... Or at least I know I'm going to be fine... Like I said, I've got to walk this out by myself...
Will continue doing so to emerge a stronger Me...

What I don't know won't kill me...

2005-09-08T00:16:00.000+08:00

Is there some things in your life that you wish you hadn't know? Live in a world of ignorant... Wish you didn't know what happened, wish that it didn't happen...

I'm now at such a situation... There're some things I don't want to know and I don't wish to know... Maybe because subconciously I hoped it didn't happen... Many would say this is a cowardly way of doing things...
Refuse to face the music...

But, what I don't know won't kill me... Let me live in ignorance... For it is at least I chose to be in for now...

However, as much as I want to run away from it...
I still know...

Got to know what I didn't want to know in the first place...
Got to see what I don't want to see...

Got hurt as a result... Feeling terrible... So this is what they meant when they say "broken heart"... I can truly feel it... The pain in me, is like someone stabbing me... Onto the very core of me...

It hurts like shit, but there's no one to turn to... For it's my journey... Something I've to go through myself... Got to walk out this whole mess to make a stronger Me...

But till then, bear with my ramblings... For I can foresee more to come...

Insecure...

2005-09-06T03:01:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling insecure these days...

I don't know why...

Most of the time I'm happy, really feeling happy from the bottom of my heart...
However, when things quieten down... Like now, middle in night when all are quiet, all are calm... That's when the insecurity looms in... It slowly creeps into me...
Engulfing me...
At least, that is what I'm feeling right now...

What contributes to this insecurity?
Many... Too many to list, too afraid to face it...

My solution to this -
Keep myself busy... Really busy...
Giving tuitions;
Going for classes;
Packing up my room;
Watch tv;

However, there're still times where such feeling still looms in... It seems like it's just waiting outside... Waiting for any free moment in my life so that it can creeps to fill me...

And when it happens, I would then make myself go to sleep... Sleep off these bad feelings... Hoping it'll go away by the time I'm up...

Hoping...

A picture paints a thousand words...

2005-08-30T01:42:00.000+08:00

The long overdued pictures...

Me at Mandai Zoo's Ben & Jerry's:

One and only one in Singapore... Well, if you don't count the one at Night Safari la... Finally done my bit as a true blue fan by visiting its parlour... Yeah!

How to keep yourself entertain when someone is hogging the mike during KTV?

By making your other KTV kakis to pose stupid pictures with ya! :D

How to create sparks in your relationship?

By going to an amusement park and take scary rides together! Especially those that get you both wet! The wetter, the better!! Wahaha!!

Don't we make a beautiful couple? Aww...

That's what you drive when you don't have a license...

2005-08-20T00:57:00.000+08:00

I don't like myself... Don't like my life... Don't like EVERYTHING about myself for now!

Ok... I confess... I'm not myself today... Actually, I'm very sad... So Sad... That it seems that nothing can be done to it... NOTHING! For now...

There's so many things going on in my life... So many negatives but yet, I'm not daring enough to face them directly... Call me a coward, call me anything you like...
For now, I suck!!!...
For now, I don't like the person I am...
For now, I don't like who I am...

Spoilt...

2005-07-31T16:55:00.000+08:00

Ok, I admit... I'm a spoilt brat... Spoilt by my parents since young... Same goes for my younger brother... We're known as the spoilt brats... Just like one of those little spoilt brats in Singapore...
Not something I'm proud of, definitely...

However, I've to say something regarding this subject... For those who really detest us spoilt brats, I need to clarify something here... We being brought up as spoilt brats is not something we choose to be... Such "phenomena" is because of what our dear society has led us to... Ask around...
How many Singapore family could actually led a well-to-do lifestyle with just the income of one parent?

Nah... Not many...

Except those lucky previous-generation spoilt brats who inherited their wealthy dads' monies... Other than them, not many actually could live with just our daddies' income...

Ok, back to my topic... Due to my parents' busy work schedule, my brother and I were mostly left by our own with our dear Filipino or Indonesian maids... So you can say that we were not really taught well by our parents... That's why the creation of these two brats...

However, what I want to say is that being a spoilt brat was not what we wanted to in the first place, and I'm sure neither it was in our parents' plan...
But since things have turned out this way, not that I'm saying we should continue our wildful ways...
But at least, give us some time to change our way of doing things...
Give us some time to realise that what we're doing is wrong...
Please don't judge us so soon...

For those who knows me and those who reads my blog knows that I've a dysfunctional family... I'm openly admitting to it... Not something to be proud of... But something I'm honest about...

However, as much as I ramble on my family stuffs... I still love them... They are afterall my family... I'm still protective over them... I still feel terrible when people talks bad about my family...

"I can talk bad about them 'cause they're my family members, but it's not ok when you do the same"

That is why I don't comment much on other people's family members... 'Cause it is their family members... Who am I, as an outsiders, to comment... Isn't it?

So for now... This spoilt brat shall continue her journey to be a better person... She's only asking for more time and patience...

Welcome!~...

2005-07-24T22:47:00.000+08:00

Heyo!!
Realised recently that several of my friends actually got hold of my blog address...
Welcome welcome!~ To the little world of mine...

This blog is set-up supposedly as an avenue for me to blah about my thoughts... Didn't tell anyone about it at first... But as time flies, told some of my close friends... And recently, it gets spread around... Which is totally cool with me... Hehe... Happy to see my tag-board gets active! :)

School's starting soon!! I kinda missed studying... Really unusual coming out from me... Especially those who knows me... Ha! But it's true... I missed sitting down with a textbook studying... So it seems like it's a good time to start school... However, still... There's some mixed feelings to the whole school reopen thingy...
Excited: 'cause my boy is joining me in school... It's been around 7 years since we were last classmates... Ha! This better be good... :)
Sad: 'cause holidays are ending... No more slacking days, no more holidays... :(

It's been quite a holiday! Enjoyed myself thoroughly... Had my trips, to KL, to Bangkok... Though all regional, but was fun!... Had my biological clock turned upside down with all the late-night outings... Ha... Almost went to explore the whole of Singapore's night-life... No worries... I didn't club much, just went driving and eating around Singapore at late-nights... That's all... Been a good girl, been a good girlfriend... Not bad... Hope things stay this way... :)

Anyway, 'nuff said about my life... Will soon be back again... But for now, Ciaoz peeps!

P.S. Keep my tag-board active k... Muackzzz

Sick...

2005-07-12T18:26:00.000+08:00

I'm sick...

The doc says it's food poisoning... Very bad case of diarrhoea and tummyaches... Have been bed-ridden for the past 2 days...

Through this experience, I'm really grateful to those who showed me the care and concern... Thanks... Especially to my boy, who's Sunday morning sleep was ruin by my terrible tummyache...

When you are sick, you become a child... A difficult one... One who really pisses the adults off... I'm now that kid...

When you are sick, you become an emotional wreck... Maybe because you have too much time to think, maybe because of the medication... I don't know... But you become someone you don't even recognise...

I can say that I've become someone else... Maybe for the time being... I hope... Someone scary... I'm pissed at any small events, at any small cock ups... sigh... Maybe it's the medication talking... I don't know... But what I know is I'm losing faith... In many areas... Hope the old me will be back soon...
I hope...

Ageing...

2005-07-07T00:30:00.000+08:00

Received a phone call from my mom an hour ago... She was downstairs in her room... Supposedly asleep already... But... She sounded weak over the phone when I answered... She was having her giddy spell again... And requires me to go to her room right away...

Rushed down... She was lying on her bed... Apparently, she needs help to go to the toilet... Just by going to the toilet, she needs me to hold her to the toilet... After which, I brought her back to the bed and massage her head for her...

At that moment, my heart broke... Seeing her so weak... So helpless... So aged... My heart aches... I held on to my tears till I'm back to my room... What happen to my mom?! That strong woman who raised me? She is just 50 years old, and yet she has a body like a 70... For the second time in my 21st years, my heart broke for her... For those who knows me know about the turbulent relationship I have with my mom... But tonight, my heart goes all out to her again...

And to make matter worst... All these while with my dad in the next room having his usual mahjong sessions, my brother in his room... I agree with the fact that I have a dysfunctional family... But... Can't I have little family love here? My dad plays a very important role here in futhering the dysfunctional trait in this family... He makes me wonder if all marriages end up this way like theirs... Does many years of marriage really kill the love till this extent? Maybe he loves her... But... He is not showing the basic care and concern here! Hello? Is it that difficult to stop playing your bloody mahjong for 1 day?

Ageing...
Now seems to be swallowing my mom...
Now seems surrounding me...
Now seems terrible to me...
Now seems so real to me...

Worried...

2005-06-30T16:15:00.000+08:00

I'm worried...

Worried about my brother's newfound faith... Worried about how is he coping with adolescence... Worried about the company he mixes with... Worried about what they do...

I kind of have a mix feelings when my brother started embracing his new faith...

Happy : 'Cause finally he has something for him to put his faith in...

Worried : 'Cause I don't really know what's going on in his life anymore... His life revolves around his church... And I have no idea what they are keeping him busy with...

He stays in his room, reading up his bible studies... And recently, I realise he's fasting... Skipping his lunch... For... His prayer... And according to him, by fasting, his prayer will be more sincere... And his prayer turns out to be him praying for his youth growth...

I don't know... But doesn't it seem worrying to u guys?... I'm worried... Very... Don't know if that's what the rest of the Christians do... But we are talking about my brother here!! The very big-sized brother who never say no to food... Fasting!! Sigh... I don't even know how to react to this whole thing! To be glad that he is so serious about something? Or to be worried as what I'm doing now?

Maybe it's just a growing phrase... Maybe he is really serious about this whole thing... But whichever case, I kind of feel like losing my brother along the way... I still love him... Definitely... But... I no longer know what's going through in his mind anymore... And for that, I blame myself... For not being able to be there for him...

Sometimes, I feel more like a mother to him than a sister... I treat him more like a son than a brother... Maybe that's because I was the mother all the while... So, I'm actually experiencing what all adolescents' mothers experience..

Worrying...

Drained...

2005-06-12T21:22:00.000+08:00

What is bloody wrong with my mom?!?!

Sorry, it's another post dedicated to the craziness of my mom's doing...

Sigh... Have been working at my mom's eatery at JB... Worked as a waitress there... My boy used to worked as a waiter and after that short period of hard work, he came to a conclusion... The day you become a waiter, people no longer treats you like a human... And let me tell you... IT REALLY WORKS THAT WAY!! And to make matter worse... I'm working at freaking MALAYSIA! Serving the snobbish SINGAPOREANS who thinks that I'm a bloody Malaysian waitress, if not, then I'll be serving the Malaysians who thinks that I'm some cute little thing which they can step upon on or picked up easily... WHAT EXACTLY IS WRONG WITH MY LIFE?!

And guess what, my mom thinks she got the best deal... ME! Squeeze me dry, make me slog my arse off... She can manipulate me so easily... At one point, she can make my day by telling me that I do not need to work... And next thing I know, she just pull me out of all my plans and make me go do my job... I won't know my schedule till the day before... She will only tell me if she needs me the day before, expecting me to be free just because I'm on holidays... You are a free-loader! So you're expected to be on the call 24/7!!

What is wrong with these people?!

Sigh... And not as if they paid me big bucks or that I desperately needed the money... "Doing it FOR the family"... Family?! By doing waitressing in Johor Bahru?! That really helps the family heh...

What kind of family is that?! Now, THAT is my family! Welcome to the Adam's family...

I'm Pissed by a S-T-R-A-N-G-E-R...

2005-06-06T20:56:00.000+08:00

I'm pissed... From a stranger...

I've been getting VERY offensive comments from my posts and EVEN on my NEW tag-board... On MY tag-board which I spent half an hour putting it on!! This A**-H*** actually contaminate my dear tag-board!!

Was it something I've done in my PUBLIC life that I've offended someone or was it something I've posted in my blog that cost me to have such an offensive comment?

NO... Not that I know of... I've never name names on my blog posts! So?? This anonymous person has officially raised my attention and also to my few close friends who knows about my blog... They were all very concern regarding this offensive anonymous S-T-R-A-N-G-E-R... They were all telling me that there're just some boring sick people existing going round leaving stupid comments... And that I agree... And thanks to you, offensive-anonymous-stranger, you've just became a talking topic among my circle of friends... And allow me to actually believe that there is such life-less people around...

And just when I'm bothered about what topics I can blog on... Ha... Ta-dah! One long post... All thanks to an OFFENSIVE-ANONYMOUS-STRANGER...

Slut...

2005-06-01T02:11:00.000+08:00

I just received the very first comment for my blog... When I first saw that "1 comment", I was thrilled... Finally, someone commented on my blog... And when I opened it, whao... How great it is... Someone actually termed me as a SLUT...

Slut: an offensive term to be used on a woman (according to encarta dictionary)

Whao! Slut... It really made me wonder... What have I wrote on that post to receive such a comment? Or what had I wrote on previous posts that I might had offended anyone? I really wonder... But... It's all just a comment... Whether I'm slut or not... It's really up to those close to me to comment on... What the rest of the world thinks about me is really up to them...

Of course I'm sad... Slut... From a stranger... But, as I've said... A stranger... Someone who doesn't know me... Unless, this "nice" stranger would like to reveal itself... But till then, who really cares...

Anyway, enough of slutty comments... Ha... Coming back to reality... I'm at a cross-road now... Decision-making time... Many issues are waiting for me to decide... Especially for now, coming from home... There're a few important financial issues which needs my nod to...

Why? Just because I'm 21? Just because I'm the eldest? Or just because I'm soft-hearted? Am I?

I don't know... All I know, I'm sad... Sad from the harsh reality that I live in an environment whereby I've to be on my guard 24/7... Whereby, I can't even trust my close ones... When life becomes like this, it has no meaning to it... I'm lost... Really lost... What I decide tonight is going to determine my future... And for what my future beholds, I've no clue to it...

I've once told a few close friends of mine over lunch... That I really like my boy's family... Ha... Funny isn't it? Liking someone else's family...
Well, that's because it's a normal loving family... Whereby, the whole family sits down for dinner and talk about the day's work... Whereby, everyone cares for everyone from the very bottom of their heart... You don't doubt on the kindness your close ones shown to you... And you don't feel restricted on stuffs you can say to them, worrying that one day, they used it against you... You don't! You don't do such stuffs in a Normal family... But... It's the normality that I miss, that I crave for...

"God is fair"... Many had said... And I agree... For what I have, there stuffs which I don't have... And for now, I'm willing to have a switch... For what I crave for I don't have...

Tired...

2005-05-29T16:47:00.000+08:00

I'm tired...

Posting this blog from my workplace... Not much of a official work la... More of helping the family out la... On a Sunday!!! On a cool, lazy Sunday!! Blogging from a faraway place called BoonLay... Arrgh... I'm suppose to be sleeping at home... Lazying around etc... But... Never mind... Sigh...

And for your info... I'm not suppose to use the internet in the office.. Ha... So I'm actually blogging illegally...

Anyway, I just celebrated my 2 months with my boy!! :D Surprised me with 3 big lilies that day... Wasn't having a good day that day, but all thanks to his surprise with the help of my dear friend, Jun Jun, was cheered up... Thanks dear and Jun Jun... Love you guys dearly...

I'm tired... Dragging my feet to work... Dragging my feet to everywhere... It seems like my feet weighs a ton... Leaving a trace behind me every step I take... But seems like my head weighs even heavier... Sighing whenever I can... There're stuffs which I know I've to settle... But... For now, let me take some time off... Off from everything... And get a breather...

Ramblings...

2005-05-24T17:38:00.000+08:00

It's been a long time since I last blogged! Almost a month already! And from my previous post, very soon it'll be my second monthlysary... Hehe... Time flies...

Update of my life since my previous post... I've finally finished with my dreaded exams... FINALLY!! Yeah! Ha... Have been slacking ever since... Meeting up with friends to make up for the lost times while preparing for exams... Went to many gatherings... Each consist of different groups of friends of mine... Most went well... So well that I forgot how much I've missed them till I went for the gathering... :)
But... Life isn't perfect... There are a few which turn out to be quite a disappointment... Maybe the time gap had already made a difference in our friendship...

From these whole events, it made me realised something. Apparently, friendships comes in 2 kinds. There're those which could withstand time gaps and still stand strong with just once in a blue moon meeting. You'll look forward to go whenever there's such a gathering.

However, there're some friendship which require constant contact to keep it strong... Constant meet-ups... Not that it is so weak that it could not withstand the test of time... But... Let's just say that it kind of feel different when we meet up after a long time of absence... It no longer feels the same... I do not know the reason for it... But.. Of course I do hope we could do all we could to make things the same as before... 'Cause, there stuffs which I've been through with these friends which I would never able to get from others... However, it has to be a two-way traffic... Same as relationship... It takes two to clap... It would be of no use if I'm the only one trying to make this to work...

'Nuff said on my friendships... Talking about relationship... Hmmm... It's soon going to go into the Big 2!! 2 months la... Ha... Things are going fine... We're actually planning a trip overseas soon... It's not our first trip together... Went Bintan last year... Was a good trip... Erm... If you are wondering... Yeah... We went to Bintan on the basis that we're still best pals... Ha... So the upcoming trip would be the first trip we go as a couple! I've been quite excited about this whole trip, even though it is still at it's planning stage.. Ha... Nothing concrete has been set... Not even the destination...

And talking about the destination... Was deciding between Bali or Bangkok... For my case... Of course it's Bali... For those who've been there... You know what I mean... Bali... It's fabulouso!! Ha... It's everything... At least for me... The 3 S-es, the shopping, the nightlife, the volcano, the paddyfield, the culture... It's the full package!

But... As you see it's a trip as a couple... I can't just neglect my boy's opinion and feelings... And most importantly, his financial status... And it seems like Bangkok would be of a better deal for him... So... As much as I want to go back to Bali, it seems like Bangkok is THE place for us... Trying to convince myself by blog-surfing on those who went Bangkok and had their lovely pictures of the Land of Smiles... Bangkok... It's a shopping paradise! We could live like kings there! Eat and shop and eat and shop! Ha! Mah Boon Krong... Here we come! :D

So whichever case, I need to leave this place... DESPERATELY! I'm drowning here... I need the break from everything... Be it Bali, Bangkok or even Kuala Lumpur... I NEED TO LEAVE THIS SMALL DOT! Ha... So till then, I'll try to update more often... And not squeeze everything into 1 post... Sorry to have such a long one this time... Promise to keep my post short and sweet next time... Till then... Ciaoz!~

2005-04-27T00:22:00.000+08:00

To The One I Love...

HAPPY ONE MONTHLYSARY!!!

It's been a month ALREADY dear!!! Whao!! How time flies while you are enjoying yourself... But no worries... 'Cause this happiness will have many many more months to come by...

Find myself love you more as each day pass by... Though there were hiccups here and there like you said... BUT... It's been a wonderful month...

Thank you dear...

Erm... Shall not wallow too much of these Mushy stuffs online... Will keep some private...

So for now... Let me bask into my happiness and glee with joy!~ :D

The Very Moment...

2005-04-22T10:46:00.000+08:00

I'm glad to say that I'm having a great relationship with my Boy... Everything is going well... And everyone around us are being very supportive, family and friends... Really thank you guys for being cool regarding this relationship of ours...

However, apparently it seems like these lovely angels are too overly concern about us... Both of us realise that we have been questioned by many regarding things between the two of us... For the first few ones, we were still quite happy to answer to their concern... But as time pass, we realised that we have been answering to MANY
"So, how's things between you guys?"

It becomes so often that it starts to make me wonder what answer are these people looking for? Are you all really that concern? I shall not dwell on the motive behind these questions... For now, I'll still continue giving that smile with that same answer I give to everyone... "Everything is going very well... Thanks!"
That's it! Not letting out more...

What's between us STAYS within us... And what's in the past STAYS in the past...

For what we want is...
Like what my Boy puts it nicely...

THE VERY MOMENT...

Feeling good...

2005-04-11T21:41:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling happy recently... One of the very rare moments in my short 21 life... Though, there are still a few unsettled issues... But generally everything seems to be going well...

Emotionally... I'm well-fed by someone special...

Family-wise... Everyone seems fine and happy (hope it last this way)...

Monetary-wise... Still getting on well (though would not mind with more)...

Studies-wise... Let's just say that I'm doing all the praying to all kinds of gods and goddesses I can think of...

Friends-wise... Everyone is busy with their own lives, but messages are exchanged once in awhile to keep each other updated...

So, overall... I'm good! Feeling good... Thanks to many lovely angels around me... Especially, to the special one... Thank you for the laughters you have gave me ... And the love you have filled me with... You taught me how to love and how to recieve love... Thank you...
For tolerating me and loving me...
For pissing me off at times...
For having the ability to control my emotions...
Thanks my dear...

Feeling good...

Rubbish...

2005-03-14T12:30:00.000+08:00

Spent the whole of last weekend packing my stuffs... Didn't know I had so much stuffs... Or should I say "rubbish" in my life... Threw 3 big bags of rubbish... And 12 boxes of "rubbish" to be moved to the new place...

Like what my dear friend said... You are just like garang-kuni... Only difference between the two of you is that you don't need to sell these "rubbish" to meet your ends... I agree! Ha! I collects the most unimaginable stuffs... Such as paper bags; wrapping paper (I even made my dad drill a stand just to hold them!) and tons of bags... Ok ok... I know what it's running through your mind... Don't scold me la...Let's just take it as my "hobby" can? Hee...

Anyway, as I slowly packed pieces of my life into the boxes... I realised the different transitions I've been through... The innocent age, awkward adolescent time and now... Family and friends had been telling me how much I've changed in these recent years... Not only my physical appearance, which is obvious, it's the way I behave and think... Had been shrugging about all these comments until I started packing...

Dig all the skeletons out from my cupboards and reminisce the good old days of it... The stupid and funny things I've done along the way... The events that made me who I am... But most importantly, the people whom I've gone through these stages with... The love and care these people had given me... Are stuffs which can never be limited into confined boxes... It is endless and borderless... I'm really thankful and blessed to have these beautiful angels surrounding me to protect and love me... Can never do enough to repay them... But to be a better person to show my appreciation...

I agree that I've changed along the way here... Hopefully a better person... But... There're still times whereby I fall short of... I'll always try to live up with expectations people had given me... But... All men err... Will continue trying... But hope will get forgiven when I fail... You have my promise that I had done my best... But sometimes, the best isn't enough...

Asking for forgiveness for what I've done; for what I should have done and what I didn't do...

Rubbish... That's what I'm made up of...

My mother...

2005-03-03T13:30:00.000+08:00

Those who knows me know the unique mother-daughter relationship I have with my mom... But in case for those who still lives in the ice-age... Here's outline...

I'm my mom's daughter.
We stay in the same roof.
I used to hate her.
Now I'm nonchalent towards her.
She's a nomad. (To those out there... I'm MOVING AGAIN!~ going towards my 9th house... I've calculated... That's on average 2.333 years in each house in my short 21 lifespan.)
She derives pleasure in screwing the whole household up.
She's a workaholic. (I guess maybe because that's where she gets her value in life from.)
She's VERY manupulative. (Sounds scary, but after 21 years of living with her, I kind of able to know what's going through her mind. That's why I don't buy her story ALL THE TIME)
She's obessed with cooking. (Sorry she doesn't cook for the household. What I mean is that she's cooks for the OTHER people. Those who buy her craziness.)
She's a big sucker for Multi-level Marketing. (I think that's because those sales people listens to her)
She's crazy. (I'm not exaggarating, don't believe, ask around)
Most importantly, she's my mother.

The last point is a thing which I have been questioning myself since I'm young. My mom used to be a very nice lady... Maybe she still does... To people who doesn't know her. She used to be those mother who puts her family first... When I mean family, I meant immediate family, as in her husband and kids. NOT extended family like her 5 other siblings and their family included. I'm not sure when did the transition happened. But it happened... She gives almost her everything to everyone BUT us. Maybe because the rest LISTENS to her.

To some extent, I pity her. She's been in a business for 15 odd years. Many failed ventures along the way. However, it's not only the money she had lost. She lost many friends too... They were either business partners or she's just plain too busy to keep in contact with them. Come on la... She doesn't even have the time for her kids, what's more for her friends... Thus as time pass, she became a very lonely person... She realises she has no friends and to make matter worst, her kids had already gave up waiting for their mummy to come home.

I'm not here to wash my dirty family laundry. I'm here to introduce you all to my mother. A fact which no one can ever change.

She's a remarkable woman. Very intelligent one too... But... Let's just say things don't go the way she wanted. From outsider's point of view, she's a very successful woman. Have businesses everywhere, have a husband who does what she says, two kids doing quite well in school, living in private estate. She has EVERYTHING!!

Or does she?

I know her as well as she knows me... That is why I don't tell her my stuffs... Because my mom is such an intelligent woman, she knows everything with just a small detail she can get hold with. Too scary for my liking... I like my stuffs stay private.

And since I know her, I don't buy her nonsense. That is why to some extent, I think she hates me for that... Maybe because, according to her, after all the sacrifice she had done for this family, my dad and my brother listens to me. But my theory is simple, if you spend time LISTENING and CARE for the person, your effort will get reciprocate. Something I think she knows but NO TIME for... When I was younger, while spending time at home waiting for my mother to come home, I really wonder what is she busy with? To bring the bread home? But... I don't see the bread on the table! It's always my dad who buys the bread... So I really wonder what she really do with all the time she has... "Meetings" as what she says... But what meeting is there? Maybe to sessions of multi-level marketing... Haha...

But I've way grown up to have any adolence anger for my mother. That is why I'm now nonchalent towards her matters. But once in a while, I'll still get pissed by her craziness... Such as giving me a 1 week notice that we're moving,to the house across the street that has a BIGGER kitchen. For her to do her business stuffs...

At some point, I admire her... For her creativity in coming out "unique" reasons to my ignorant dad for her crazy decisions. I admire her from the very bottom of my heart!

Let's just forgive her, for afterall, she's the one who brought me to this "beautiful" world. Without her, there won't be me. Isn't it?

To the one I disappoint the most...

2005-02-18T14:37:00.000+08:00

Sorry...

Sorry for being such an inattentive bitch when you are back...

Sorry for not being able be there as much as I should...

Sorry for disappointing you... Something I swear I would NEVER do it on purpose...

Sorry for being too caught up with my life over here that I forgot the days we had... The love and support you have given me during those turbulent years... I'll never forget... This is why you meant so much to me even when others don't see the point...

I felt angry for you when they talked about you...

Most importantly, I felt angry about myself for not being able to do anything for you, to defend you to protect you...

I want to be there for you as much as you had for me...
I want you to be proud of me...
I want to be like you...
I want to be the person you want me to be...

Because I know you meant the best for me...

Many never understands why do I hold such esteem for you...
Reason is simple...

You were there for me at my darkest hours...
You made me who I am today...
You were the reason for me to wake up each morning to this cock-up world...
You kept me sane...
You were the mother I wished I had...

That's the you I see... That's why I put you in such high position in my heart... I love you more than anyone else in my life... This is why I am SO ashamed of myself when I had disappoint you now... I know that no amounts of Sorrys and explanations are going to undo whatever I've done...

But...
That's the least I could do...

Sorry...

Being Happy...

2005-02-04T15:04:00.000+08:00

It seemed like an easy task for some or an extremely difficult chore for others...

A depressed friend once asked me... "Hey, how do you actually remain so happy most of the time?"
A question that really stumped me... Hmmm... So... People view me as a happy person... Ok... Because personally... I don't remember being happy Most of the time... I only know I'm smiling most of the time...

But there is a fine line between being happy and smiling... At least to me... There're times I don't really mean when I smile... I may not even be truly happy when I smile... This is how scary human can be... You never know if that person really meant what he/she means...
Some of my smiles are used to hide my fear, my ignorance or even my shyness... It is a way for me to divert people's attention from my true feeling... One of my shields in life...

However, when outsiders see me... With that smile... They would normally assume that I'm that kind of person who never gets upset, angry or depressed... They would naturally assume that negative feelings would never find its way to me... That is why some of them... Or should I say most of them will kind of take advantage of my happy nature and keep neglecting my feelings... They would not be as sensitive towards my feelings as they would to others... Just because I'm easily happy? So... Now being optimistic, being happy is my fault! That is why I don't deserve the kind of attention everyone is getting?

What is wrong with the world?

Seems like only when a person who has a perpetually F**ked-up face deserved to be kind to... Crazy world that we lived in... If what I say or conclude is true... Then it seems like the world is becoming a depressing and selfish place to live in... Everyone wants to be loved and no one wants to give...

Being happy... Is it that difficult?

Changes...

2005-01-29T17:43:00.000+08:00

We live in a world that is ever-changing... Our lives are on a constant change... That is why we have to have the skill to adapt to whatever situation that life throws us in...

A friend of mine recently commented on how much he dislike changes... That was why his life kind of went topsy-turvy when life decided to do some changes to his... However, what my dear friend didn't see is that what kind of person he had became after all these changes... From an outsider's perspective, trust me... He has now become a much likeable person compared to a year ago...

See! Changes isn't that bad afterall...

Of course we do agree that when things were getting good, we won't want any changes to it... Crossing our finger hoping that it doesn't end... Hoping that time would stay stagnant at that time...
However, sorry to break the news... It doesn't work that way!

Thus, I've come to an conclusion... It seems like we have to taste what is sadness before we can truly appreciate happiness... Yah... It seems like this is the most logical reason I can think of...

Just like what's happening to me...
2 weeks ago, I was having the hell of my time... Had 5 straight days of partying... To celebrate my birthday... And I tell you... It is REALLY hard-core celebrations... And next thing I know... 2 weeks down the road... Here I am... Having to go through a very terrible agony... A problem that has no solutions to... And to make matter worst... It involves many of my love ones... They were all involved because of me...

"I'm truly touched to have you guys beside me at this time, but I'm also truly sorry to drag you guys in... You all are innocent... For my sake... Don't get involve... I'm feeling really bad... It's something I've to settle it myself... "

That's why, I say we need to be adaptable... Try to adjust to whatever changes we are thrown into... Able to stand up blow after blow... This is how in turn we changed and become a stronger person...

So here I am... In kind of deep shit... But no worries... I will come out of it... Like I always do...

Cheers to all the shits in life!!

Money...

2005-01-28T01:09:00.000+08:00

Money, money, money
Must be funny
In the rich man's world
Money, money, money
Always sunny
In the rich man's world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things I could do
If i had a little money
It's a rich man's world

-ABBA Money Money Money

Money...
Root to most problems...

Be it the richest man or a homeless pauper... Everyone has money problems...
It doesn't go away! It is constantly there...
There to haunt you... There to trouble you...

The bad news is... There is NO solution to this whole mess!

Nope... A definite N.O....
Not even the help from Mr Tua Bek Gong on ToTo or 4-D... The misery doesn't end there... Actually to some "lucky" ones... It is the start of all misery... Countless worries, countless headaches...

Money...
It's just a medium of exchange in our modern world, supposedly created to solve our batter trade problem...
Instead... It became the root to our modern Man's headaches...

What have we done to ourselves?
Is it money that we really want?
Or it is just the little greed in us that is driving us?
I don't know...

However, I've learn something in my short 21 years in this world about money...

Money...

It's something which is never enough and it is something which we CANNOT NEVER live without...

2005-01-24T12:12:00.000+08:00

Me revealed...

SORRYs & THANK YOUs...

2005-01-24T12:00:00.000+08:00

Sorry... Hasn't been blogging...

Thank you... Had a very good 21st birthday celebrations...

Sorry... For neglecting some of my dearest friends...

Thank you... For the being there...

Sorry... For moving on with life without you...

Thank you... For the love you all had given me...

Sorry... For not being there for you all as much as I wished I could have been...

Thank you... For tolerating me...

Sorry... For things I should not have done and even more for things I should have...

Thank you... Lord, for giving me such beautiful angels surrounding me...

Commitments...

2005-01-06T19:20:00.000+08:00

I hate commitments...
Totally hate that fact that I need to be answerable about my actions to people... Maybe that is why I'm still happily single till today... But what I meant commitments is way beyond the boy-girl relationship type... I meant having to explain my way of doings to people or even them telling me what I should or should not do...

For goodness sake, this is MY life... I know what I want and what I'm doing...

For normal case, when someone crosses these lines, I will F**K them upside down inside out... But if they turn out to be close friends of mine or I'm able to see where it's coming from, I will swallow my F**k-up mood and listen to what they have to say...

However, trust me, I will normally not change for the better... I'm THAT stubborn... That is also one point my mom dislikes me so much... I'm just not meant to be that kind of sweetie-pie girl who listens and obey! It's not in me! Those who knows me knows it... This is the very thing that made me who I am and unique from the others!

And coming back to commitments... Maybe I'm one big weirdo or there's something wrong with the world... I just don't see why some people actually craves for it... Maybe this is coming from someone who hasn't been in a relationship before... But what is the actually fun behind it? Having those strings attached? Isn't it causing a hindrance as to how you live or enjoy your life? Wasting time reporting and explaining to people who at the end of the day might F**k off from your life forever...

I'm a more to actions than talk person... So maybe at the end of the day, if I ever be commited to someone, that person have to know me deep enough to get used to what I'm doing... Don't question my actions, just be there for me... Like what I will do for him... Hmmm sounds difficult for some... But we never know... Maybe there's such a person exist or maybe I will become a changed person when in "love"...
But till then, I will continue living the life I am having now... Not being questioned, not being committed...

p.s. 8 days to R(A) show... haha

The New Year...

2005-01-04T16:30:00.000+08:00

It's a brand new year!! And it seems like the new year started out with a bang already...

For one, the tsunami disaster that took place... I almost teared just by looking at the scenes of people dying and crying at places so near us... I wished I could do more... But... There's always buts in life.. Sigh... So for now... All I could do is to pray for these lost souls our there... May you rest in peace...

Let's have a minute for the victims of these calamity...

Ok... It's the new year... I shall not dwell too much on the unhappy events around us... Though I truly hope that people stop dying and make the world a better place to live in... Anyway, coming back to the new year... Before we embark and embrace the new year we should always do some reflections on the past year... So here I am doing some sort of personal reflections... Please don't mind me...

2004... Hmmm... It's been a interesting year for me... Believed I grew up alot during this year... Learnt and experienced many life-changing moments... For one, my great-grandma suddenly passed away 3 weeks ago... Didn't cry till the very last day... Became the top 3 cry-baby of the family (according to my cousins)... Think they had a shock to see me cry till like this because... Trust me... I'm not known for my crying... However, this shows something... My tear duct is still working... Not bad...

Next would be my aunt being relocated to her Tokyo office... My dearest aunt... I can term her as my... Hmmm... "unmother" mother? I treat her as my mother more than my mom... Haha.. Can't blame me... She was there when I needed most... Kind of my mental support... Then, she left... Left this cock-up place for a better place in Tokyo... Feel so happy for her... Finally!! She's living the life she always wanted... Of course I'm sad that she left... But really glad for her... Let's just say life hasn't been good to her till now...

Then, as for my friends... There were ups and downs here and there... The problem with me is that I've many close friends... And I feel sad when I'm not able to give them the care and concern I should be giving as a close friend...

So... To all my friends out there...

I'm sorry if I haven't been there much for you guys... I'll try to be a better friend this year but trust me... You all are always in my mind... And if you guys ever run into some problems or trouble... Don't hesitate to call me... I'll never say no to you all...And will always by your side... Cheers to our friendship!!

Next, though I don't have the perfect happy family... But I still thank God for giving me what I'm having now... I may complain about them every now and then but at the end of the day, they're still my family... They play a part in making up who I am today... So... To all the cock-ups families around... Cheers!!

Lastly, on a personal level... I think after 2004, I should really get more serious in life... Stop procrastinating... Pay more attention to my studies and try to reduce my complains in life... Afterall... We only get to live once...

p.s. 10 more days to adulthood... Cheers!~

Inability To Express...

2004-12-10T19:37:00.000+08:00

I realise I'm suffering from a disease...

It's called the Inability-To-Express-What-I-Truly-Mean syndrome...
Haha and yeah I agree... It has a f**king long name...

Anyway, coming back to this illness of mine... I don't know when I was diagnosed to it... Maybe was the day I reached my "Nirvana" where I realised that the world I live in is a bloody cynical one...

But whichever the case, it seems like not only I've lost my ability to tear (refer to "Tears..." post), I've also lost my ability to express my true feelings in words or actions!

Words just don't come naturally anymore like they used to be... It doesn't come out the way I wanted it to be or what I meant to be... Instead, at some point it is of a totally different meaning!!

I've lost control in my ability to communicate!!

What have I done to myself?!... Next thing I know I'm paralysed...
But before I reach THAT stage, I shall continue with this blog first...

I think I'm not alone when trying to defeat this illness of mine... I'm sure there are many poor souls out there are suffering the same fate as me... Or maybe I should say every now and then, ANYBODY could suffer such a disease...
It's a modern disease... And like all other diseases, it's caused by stress, fatigue and most importantly criteria, the Lack of Trust between people!

We could no longer able to express freely as we want anymore... And it gets worst with age...

Didn't you realise that?
We could no longer hop around and sing when we're happy or just jolly well cry our hearts out when we're f**king sad like the days as a kid...
Things gets Complicated when we gets OLDER...

For what reason? I don't know...
But it's a stupid society rule that OLDER people are not supposed to show their emotions... Just like Men are not suppose to cry...

F**K social norms and rules!!

When then can we freely express what we truly meant? Or show the true self of ourselves?

When there's such a day to come, it'll be the time I am truly cured from this illness...

Memory...

2004-12-01T18:57:00.000+08:00

I once did a theatre module in school... There is once during our practical session, our tutor wanted us to tap deep into our heart... And in order to that, you have to capture a very distinct memory and hold on to it... Slowly relive each moment of the memory... How you felt at that instant... What happened to each and everyone in that scenario... It's like stretching the moment in slow motion so that you can experience the whole experience thoroughly...

Yes, it sounds ridiculous... And on top of it, your arm will slowly move up from your side to the spot you were focusing on all these while, Automatically...

My tutor did the demonstration on it... And for the whole 10 minutes we were just sitting there looking at him slowly moving his arm up...

Sounds outrageous, huh?
Just when you were thinking what kind of stuffs they teach in the universities nowadays...

However, the crux of the whole practical came... We were about to lose our attention and drift to our la-la land, when our tutor teared...

Yes, he's a man... And yes, that was tears flowing down his cheeks... It kept flowing until his hands were up pointing at the focal point he was concentrating on...
Later he broke away from the whole exercise, wiped his tears and told us that throughout the whole process he was focusing on this specific memory where his dad was tying his shoelace for him when he was a boy... He always had trouble learning to tie his shoelace and by reliving that moment, he could feel the love his father had for him...

He wanted us to choose a significant memory of ours and focus on it... By doing so, you are actually tapping into the very deep end of your heart... We were, of course, feeling absurd... But had no choice, except to do what he said... So we all tried...

I did it...

And yes... Trust me the hand DO automatically goes up...

And yes, I teared...

Didn't realize I was tearing until a drop landed on my hand...

I "woke up"...

The entire process was very energy-draining... And very dramatic too... Though no noise was made but you could feel everyone in class had just when down their personal memory lane...

Maybe by now you were asking so which memory I chose...

It was the one on my grandfather's funeral...
The moment when the coffin was pushed into the flames...
That moment was dramatic... Both in reality and in my memory...

I loved my grandpa... And will always do... Had a picture of him in my schedule book which I bring all over the place with... There is a sense of peacefulness in him which I can find tranquility in... He's like the anchor for my ship...

And till this day I still remember the very scene in which he hugged me and we both cried... And till this day I'm not able to forgive myself and those involved for making my dear grandfather teared...

I fell into depression right after his death... It was my lowest point of my life... And to relive that specific moment is both taxing and emotional for me...

Frankly speaking, though the whole process sounds stupid, I thank the tutor for giving me the chance to tap into my heart...

Something which we always forget...
To do things where the heart is...

And memories make up a huge part of the heart... Memories allow us to remember the exact feeling we had at that moment... How exactly our heart felt at that instant... Learn those lessons in life and never repeat the mistakes we had done...

And if there is ever a God, I thank him for giving me all the memories I had... Be it good or bad...
And also thank Him for giving me my beloved grandpa...

Tears...

2004-11-26T13:35:00.000+08:00

I was told that I was a cry baby when I was young… Cried at the slightest matter… Seems like I’m not a very likeable baby then…

However, as I grow older I realized something… I could no longer cry easily as I used to be… It seems to me that the only time I see my tears nowadays is when my brain is suffering from oxygen deficiency – yawning…

I’ve lost my ability to cry!

I like crying…

I mean the process of it… I see it as a form of relief… Just like sighing… It lets out all the negative feelings that are held within…

And there are times I wish I could just cry it out…
But it seems like my tear duct has died on me…

Is it that I’ve really lost my ability to cry?
Or is it that the matter is not worth crying?

I don’t know…

To me, crying is not a sign of weakness…

Instead, I actually see it as an act of bravery and I’m envy those who are able to cry easily… These are the people who are brave enough to show their emotions openly…

Something I truly lack of…

Especially when it comes to negative emotions…

There seemed to be a glass wall between the real me and the one I present… Maybe subconsciously I believe that by opening up these emotions I’m actually opening up myself to more danger…

To what danger?

I don’t know…
It’s like a natural instinct to protect myself… Maybe too much at times I think…

Sometimes, by opening up is also a way of protection…

Something I should Really learn about...

Procrastinate...

2004-11-18T14:42:00.000+08:00

I'm the Queen of Procrastination... I leave EVERYTHING to the VERY last minute...

And when I say Everything... I really meant EVERYTHING... Every aspects in life... Be it small or big...

One common example would be my studies, of course... Here I am suppose to study for my bloody exams but what am I doing now... Huh? Huh? Huh? Blogging...

I can't make up my mind till the very very last minute... Even when it comes to ordering food... There are times where I couldn't make up my mind of what I want to eat even when the poor waiter is standing next to me... Waiting to take my orders... Someone is getting agitated here... And I can tell you it's not me...

Now we know why Singapore has such poor service...

"Don't blame us lah! Blame the lousy 'can't make up their god-damn minds' customers"... Ha!

Anyway, let's not side-track and go into the service quality of Singapore (That's one whole big chunk of discussions)... Coming back to Procrastination... Yup, I've admitted I'm one of its devotee... A big one somemore...

But... Who isn't?

Be it a small or big fan... No matter how one is disciplined, there're just times where you tend to postpone something which you know you're suppose to do for something else...

Temptations... The root of all evil... Bad! Bad! Bad!...

Ah... I've said the unspeakable...

We all know the existence of temptations... And when we procrastinate something for temptations... This is the last thing we want to hear... That what we're doing is bad...

So here I am... Happily typing away... There's this tiny little voice at the end of my head telling me what I'm doing now is bad... I know! But I'm still typing away...
Reason? Because...

I'M THE QUEEN OF PROCRASTINATION!!

p.s.: Hey! I've got to live up to that name you know...

Rain...

2004-11-17T05:08:00.000+08:00

I like it when it's raining...

It seems like the whole world was being washed up... Everything becomes fresh and clean after a downpour...
If only life works that way...

If only there's such a thing like rain in our life that washes us up after a mess... Wash away our dirt and leave everything as if it's untouched before...

If only...

"Rain Rain, Go away, Come again another day"

Why do we want it to go away?

So that we can rebuild everything all over again... Have a second chance to start from the beginning...
If only life works that way...

Rain... It's such a small thing in life yet it brings out the simplest fact of life...

Wants in Life...

2004-11-16T05:48:00.000+08:00

Everyone wants to be well-liked... No matter how much one can say he/she doesn't care what the world view of him/her... At the end, we'll still try to do things that somehow more or less trying to please someone...

This is why praises work so well!

Anyone who receives a praise will definitely have the feel-good feeling no matter it's true or false... As long as it is soothing to the ear, we'll be beaming away!

And we'll always try our best to earn these praises, thus we strive to gain popularity from everyone... For mild cases, we don't mind some small sacrifices here and there to gain for such acceptance.

However, for some seriously praise-starved people, they could go to the extent of pleasing others till they lost themselves along the way... They no longer know what they want or what they should do for themselves anymore... Their lives are revolved around the people they tried so hard to gain recognition from... Trying so hard to be accepted... In other words, lose themselves along the way...

What made up of us then?

It's...
Our opinions;
Our own way of doing things;
Our own set of moral values;
Our principles;
Our past and present;
Our ambitions;
And etc...

Although I agree that the people around us DO play a part of influencing us... It should of a small degree only... We shouldn't be made up of the expectations that others had on us... It should be made up of what WE want for ourselves...

However, coming to know what we want for ourselves is not an easy process... We need alot of trips and falls along the way to make up what we are today...

Therefore, all I can say is that, for my case, I haven't had enough of these lessons in life to be sure of what I want at the end of the road...

Karma...

2004-11-12T07:51:00.000+08:00

Do you know that there's really such things as karma? It's not a myth that was created by our parents to stop innocent kids like us to do something naughty...

It REALLY does exist!! Trust me...

Recently, I had my karma... sigh... Did something naughty and next thing I know...

"Pham"

My past had came back to haunt me... Haunt? Too strong of a word... It's like a nice dream BUT a Very long one... It just don't seem to end... It's nice, but somehow or another won't it be better if things end at its greatest? Let the memory be beautiful than prolonging it till it turns ugly... That's what I think... However, it seems like I'm the only one who sees it...

My past... A very short one... But also a very memorable one... However, it didn't last... Not because of any cliche reasons, it's just that I don't even want it to start in the beginning... Why? Maybe because I'm not ready for it? And also I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel... Why waste time and effort on stuffs that is not going to work out?

Anyway, to all those who has naughty thoughts out there... Don't even think about it! Karma REALLY do exist!

Patience...

2004-11-09T18:13:00.000+08:00

How do you calculate patience? How much is patient and how much is impatient?

Anyone who is able to come up with numerical equation for this should receive a Nobel Prize…
And not some guy who comes up with the equation for economic growth for poor economic student to mug on… At least the patient quotient is of good use to ALL mankind…

Anyway, come back to patience… I don’t think I’m known for my patience… Everything to me has to be done in a jiffy… *snap snap fingers*…

I can’t wait for things to happen… Nor can I stand wasting of time… If things are not progressing, for better or for worst, I moved on… With or without the other party… My life is too short to be wasted like that! Or should I say Everybody’s lives are too short to be wasted on dwelling on the past or settling for a decision…

There’re some circumstances where one has to be enduring to another… However, this should only be done under special situation and of a limited time period… When you get too patient with one, they tend to take you for granted…

So to the one out there…

Conclusion: My patience has run out for your case…

Decadence...

2004-11-08T01:16:00.000+08:00

Immorality: A state of uninhibited self-indulgence; a process of civilization’s decline…

It seems like this word is anything but good…

I was taught recently that our society needs a kind of system to function on… That is why there’s the existence of social norms… Social norms... The underlying pillar for our beloved society… These are the reasons why we’re civilized… Made us different from the other beasts in this animal kingdom…

Huh... So we come to the word decadence…

Being guided by these unsaid rules and regulations, we’re not supposed to immerse ourselves in self-indulgence…

Anything which is in excess is bad…
Anything which is too extreme is terrible…
Anything which is against the norm is detrimental…

When can one really submerge himself into his own indulgences without worrying about what this society view of him?

When am I able to do this? Or is it that there’s a reason why decadence is being portrayed in such a negative view… Maybe those who had been there and done that had truly hurt themselves along the way… Thus, the reason for such negativity?

I truly don’t know… I had always been one who lives on the safe side… Always guided by these regulations… To the extent that people seems to have forgotten about my existence… Do I have to cross over the line to make my existence known? Am I ready for decadence? Is decadence, in the first place, good?

Stop and Smell the Flowers...

2004-11-01T00:46:00.000+08:00

A brand new week, a brand new start... I live each week by week, each day by day... I know what I want in the long run, but in the short run I live each moment by itself...

Stop and smell the flowers...

In this hectic world of ours, how many of us can afford such luxury of spare time and energy to do it? We always try to get what we thought we wanted in our younger days... Then when we achieved what we set out for or worst still didn't get what we wanted.... At the stage where we've reached our middle-age, we would realised that we had missed all the flowers along the way... And to make matter worst, we're so disillusioned with what we want that we've lost our sense of smell...

Such talk will make one lose his drive...

Work...

2004-10-26T02:04:00.000+08:00

Have you all ever had this experience in life whereby you suffer from a nervous breakdown just because life was so caught up with you? Or ever had workload that seems never-ending... No matter how you much you plan or accomplished, it is just not ending... Workload comes one after another... Just when you thought you saw a light at the end of the tunnel...

Then "PHAM!"... The mountain is back...

We'll always ask "When is this f**king shit going to end?"

Let me tell you...

IT DOESN'T END!!!...

It's true!! We slog our whole life for our education...

Then for our career...

Then for our children...

Then for out retirement...

Next thing you know... People are attending your funeral... You just became another statistic... Pathetic huh? Face it! This is life! We can't defy GOD's will, or go against social norms...

So what can we do? Go on slogging!! There's nothing you or me can do to change this cold hard reality...

We're made to work...

Love...

2004-10-22T17:30:00.000+08:00

It's an excuse for the reproduction of human species...

Many of you will think that I'm being too cynical here... But after all the damage I've seen that is done on the expense of love... You can't blame me on for being so skeptical... Pro-love supporters will claim that because there's so much sweetness in love, that's why there's so much hurt involve...

Personally, I don't buy it... If this is the case... Then I would rather do WITHOUT this so-called sweetness...

Recently, I've came across this case...

After 20 odd years of union, the man found out from an outsider that the woman that was sleeping beside him all these years turned out to be so different from the one that he thought he knew... Realised the betrayals and ultimate truths that she has been hiding from him all these years... All the stuffs she has done unto him without his knowledge... Given any sane man... He would have flared up and left her... This man didn't... He didn't confront her... All he said was " I've been a fool for these 10 years"... He hasn't left her... Yet...

Was it love? Or was it the thought of living a life without her... The fear of changing unchanged... I don't know... However, no matter what is the reason behind it... At the end of the day... I'm just going to blame it on love...

It's a powerful tool... Many had use it as an excuse to hurt the one they so-claim love... Intentionally or unintentionally? I don't care!! The harm has done... It's the same concept as mending the broken vase or nailing the nail into the fence and taking it out again... The scar has been inflicted...

And guess what... Such harm not only affect the direct party... Those who are near are also being affected... Sometimes, they wound more than the victim themselves... Reason? Because they do not have the stand to scream and shout out their grievances... And not only do they have to bottle up their feelings... They have to be THERE for the wounded... Constantly... Why? Because given that they have gone through all these alone... They know that the journey to recovery is a long and tedious one... Thus, they know the importance of companionship along the way...

Therefore, NEVER underestimate the ones beside you... Sometimes, they love you more than the ONE, you thought... Though they can't give you the sweetness that the ONE gave you... But... They can give you the comfort you need when you are most wounded...

Love?? Arrgh... It's for those who hasn't reach "Nirvana"... A game for fools... An excuse to hurt someone...

Manipulation...

2004-10-17T16:21:00.000+08:00

There's always a time in your life where you'll somehow be manipulated or staged a manipulation...

No matter how "pure" or "innocent" this person is. It's in the blood of man to be selfish... More or less we'll always weigh the pros and cons behind each decision we make... and how it'll concern us... After much consideration, we'll then choose the one that is of advantage to us... Through this act, we've manipulate the whole situation... The difference between a scheming person and a common man would be that the scheming one is able to manipulate the whole situation without getting caught... While a common man will tend to let out his tail or is too excited to let others know of his tricks...

Is manipulation a good thing then?

For those who're being used would definitely oppose to this act... However, we'll have to question ourselves... Didn't we tried to pull such act on others before? Just because you're now in the losing end doesn't mean that Manipulation itself is a bad thing...

Personally, I'm one who supports such agenda... Manipulation... It's a must-have survival skill in this modern jungle... Survival of the fittest! However, there're those out there who says that scheming equivalent to evil... No, I don't agree... At least for me... Being able to manipulate has made me who I am today... And it actually helped me in surviving in the harsh environment I lived in... If I'll to be ignorant and be pushed around, I would have landed myself in mental instituition... There're to many unanswerable questions in my life... However, by being able to manipulate... I'm able to change the whole situation to my side of the table and make others see my point of view... And not see their own disillusioned ones... See? It helped me... So... I'm going to keep this skill of mine... Even though many view it as something negative... I can never go back to that innocent girl I used to be...

However, nor am I going to let others know that I'm no longer the innocent girl... This is how a master of manipulation works....

Tests...

2004-10-14T16:41:00.000+08:00

Every now and then, someone somewhere is going through a rough patch in their life... Some complained, some slipped into depressions and some even decided to take the easy way out...

For someone who has been through many downs in life, I would suggest to these lost sheeps out there... Take these as tests in life... Tests that tests on your patience, on your endurance and even your perspectives in life... If one can walk out this whole mess... Congratulations! You've passed the tests that many failed... There's no grades for it though... However, the only thing you get out of it is a Stronger you... You may even walk out with a totally different perspective... Be it a more cynical or a better you... You've changed... It's through these changes we grow up and evolve... Embracing life in a brand new perception...

Welcome to REAL world, my boy...

Life......

2004-10-13T13:09:00.000+08:00

Life... What's the defination for it? Hmmm.. I wonder... We always grumble about it, always try to live the fullest of it, always hate it... So what is it? Why is it so difficult to live life? Why is there some who craves for it while there are those who can't wait to end it?

My life... I live in a crazy world... Revolve around crazy people who are always not happy with their lives... At times I join them, but most of the time I'm there as their listener them... This is the least I could do... Sometime I wonder... Is my existence in life is determined by how much I'm there for them?

It recently dawned me... When is the time someone out there is willing to hear what I've to say? Where is the Me for me?